The Hoosier Apex

     I have decided to take pity on the greater population of the United States because Purdue is now in the national basketball spotlight. As a result you will quite possibly be exposed to what is linguistically known as the Hoosier Apex, a select part of the country located in Mid-America. 

     When you visit there it seems like you have suddenly wandered into the State of Alabama. Hoosier people speak as if they are competing for the championship of Slow Talkers of America, and there is no such thing as a short conversation. It is where if someone says the word greasy the s is transformed into a z, resulting in greazy. It is where the addition of the letter s, not z, is essential to a conversation: Have you sold your guyses house yet? No, not yet. How come? Relying on the past tense -  It just needs redecorated or somethin.

     So here are some Hoosier translations of words you may be familiar with and of which you mistakenly think you know the correct pronunciation:

     Creek – Crick (can also be a neck problem). Tower – Tar. As in Water Tar. Related is Shower – Shar, from the clouds or in the bathroom. Mango– not a fruit in Hoosierland, but a green pepper. Potatoes areTaters and Tomatoes are Maters. And by the way, when it thunders, the taters are rollin.

     Most words that you suppose require a g at the end do not, e.g. lightnin, runnin, shoppin. You don’t sit, you set, and you set a spell if you mean to stay a bit. You haven’t eaten, you’ve et. And inexplicably you don’t get, you git. It can mean to acquire, or to leave immediately. 

     We eat pecon pie, like in wand, not pecan, like in band, and our mother’s sister is an ant, not an  Southern East Coast spawned awnt. Buggy isn’t a mosquito-filled night but a conveyance; my grandmother had one, with a horse. D’rectly is how you’re to come home from school, and Laws doesn’t mean rules, but is a substitution for Lord when combined with A’Mighty, thus avoiding taking God’s name in vain. 

     Yer is possessive, either singular or plural. Ain’t is isn’t, snoot-full is drunk, holler is either a shout or a low place between two hills (not many of which exist in Indiana) or in the woods (which do). And finally, you would be tarred from a long day’s work – or from learning to talk like this.

     It will, however, be worth it if Purdue keeps winning. You may even encounter a television announcer who can actually speak intelligently, like a true Hoosier. As a graduate of Indiana University (not the University of Indiana, which I think is squirreled away somewhere east of the Apex) I’m usually not respectful of the Boilermakers (not a steelworkers’ union) but I would never instead support the hated teams from Michigan or Ohio , may they feel the heat of eternity forever. Enjoy the playoffs!